sometimes i sit down to write and the words don’t flow as effortlessly as they have in days past. there was a cold breeze that swept across my chest as i walked down the street this morning- feelings of home breathed over my body and then gone, in an instant.
the nostalgia of a time where i belonged. we would go to the pumpkin patches just across the river and play and laugh and we would always pick out the most perfect pumpkin, my brothers and i. i can still taste the sweetness of the honey from those plastic sticks we bought every year. i couldn’t wait to go home and carve a goofy face, there was always so much laugher in each of us trying to trace out eyeballs and jagged teeth.
as the pumpkins rotted and laughter turned in to anger and lesser were the times together, the further the distance between us grew and the more i retreated. the world became more scary as slowly my hiding place, the sacred place to me, became no longer safe and the man lied, and lied, and lied and i am unsure if truth was a word he knew.
where was safe? where could i belong? where can i run?
the childlike glimmer of wonder in my eyes turned hollow and colder by the day. the trust and connection i so longingly desired was robbed from me and in its place were lies, manipulation, anger, violence.
no where was safe, to me i decided. i became wired, conditioned, to be alone. the woman who was untouchable for so long was deteriorating by the day and i began to slip in to her caretaker; instead of the other way around.
many were the nights out in order to forget, in order to feel. the emotions and joy had been stripped from me so a glass of whiskey, maybe a red wine would do the trick. there, i belonged.
i saw her crying on the bathroom floor for the i don’t know, the four hundredth time because there were too many to count and at that point i was numbed to her tears. i became more familiar with wet cheeks than i had with joy, with play, with laughter. we were close friends, tears, and i.
i saw her laying there and i fell to my knees and cried out to God, the one I had for so long hated – my heart was full of bitterness towards Him and I related so well with a quote I had once heard about God being a ruthless bitch. life was dark and bad things happened to me constantly and there was a veil of darkness in front of my eyes because i chose to see circumstances that way.
pain has a way of forcing us into a choice- it can make us bitter and jaded and cold or it can make us open up. it can change the trajectory of our lives for goodness or it can swallow up the essence of who we are.
and the more i live and breathe and feel emotions and process my life, the more i realize how such a simple thing it is that we cannot choose what happens to us, that we sometimes cannot choose our circumstances but we can choose how we react and if we let God take the veil off of our eyes, beauty has a chance to come in and teach us how to laugh again. we can come alive.
there are many things i could say to close this out and many more stories in my 22 year old brain to share but, i will leave you with this-
you are safe, and you belong, and you are loved more than you could ever imagine and i hope you know that before anything else. i hope you make the hard choices and choose to find the goodness in everything. and forgive. and forgive. and forgive.