i once had a friend tell me that he hopes his life is never easy. his hope was that he struggles, and continues to do so.
as i sat there listening to him, my heart burned. because i have known struggle, i have known loss, the sting of rejection, the sheer depths of panic, anxiety – the pain and waking up in the morning with heaviness – someone put a boulder on my heart type of grief. why would anyone wish for that?
i know it. i have lived it. i have hardly endured it. at 22 years of age, my hair has thinned over it.
another friend tells me that life is not about how you carry yourself when things are good, but how you carry yourself when things are really, really bad. when the hair does thin and the stress causes more skin on your belly and you get disease of the thyroid and you don’t remember the last day you have had without crying – yes – that kind of bad.
who do we turn to? where do we run? how do we choose to carry ourselves?
where can i go? is anywhere, safe?
the world around me smiles and laughs and plays and i long to dance.
i close my eyes and look back and can feel the blonde pig tails tied to the sides of my head and i am playing and i see him packing his things and she is crying and screaming and i wonder where i will go.
i close my eyes and see him there, in front of me, crying. he knows he is lying to me and uses his tears so i grab his hand and comfort him. i feel empathy and open my heart wide to someone who lies to and manipulates me and and i don’t even know and i dive in head first because i want to trust him and am created to have a string from my heart to his.
i close my eyes and see the violence and hear the screaming and oh my god i am trapped! they are hitting and he is big and scary and he is so little and they are on top of one another and she is in the corner and we make eye contact and tears are falling from our shocked eyes.
i close my eyes and see him with another her and she is 20 years different than him and its so confusing because it is not the way things are meant to be and, its not the first time. it was my birthday and i was so excited to spend it with him yet he lied and was with the other. he sent me flowers instead.
i never thought it would be me. never would i have said that my story would play out this way, not this way.
i am walking around in confusion and agony and i have this big backpack on of pain and someone slowly walks behind me long enough for me to glance in His direction – He asks if He can take the backpack and wear it Himself.
it is my security blanket, the pain. am i willing to take it off? am i willing to unclothe myself? i look at His face and He grabs my hand and says the only way out is through. feel. feel it all. grieve. i’m with you. i am weeping with you.
you see my friend said that he hopes his life is never easy because suffering produces perseverance and perseverance, character. character is valuable.
character stops cycles. character, it faces the shit head on and knows that there is a light and its only a matter of time.
the sun always rises and i hope that when you feel pain you let it in and ask what it is teaching you because when you realize what it is teaching you,
you can reach out and touch someone else.
i hope that you press in and feel it all and i hope that you let yourself be gutted and start there.
because really, this is just the beginning.