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awaiting spring

i lay in my bed hoping that tomorrow i wake up and the ache in my bones will have dissolved into the night as i slept. i pray that the Lord visits me and scoops out the broken parts of my heart and throws them away.

the light from my window pours over my face and i open my eyes. its still there, the ache.  we have become close friends now. most days we walk together, hand in hand.

i step one foot on the ground and then the other and sit at the edge of my bed, dreading another day where i feel it.

“this is getting really, really old,” i think to myself.

when is my time of joy? where is it, the healing that is promised?

when will this grueling season end?

i refresh my phone. again, nothing. i wait for someone to reach out. i crave the validation and i can’t stand to be alone. i can’t get out of bed.

white flakes spiral outside of my window–the sky cloudy, grey.

its winter. outside is dead, yearning to burgeon green again. everything is grey now, february. but spring we know and believe, it’s coming soon. it always does.

despite the yearning, right now, in the winter, is where i am. although my winter has lasted a few years now, what if it’s where i am supposed to be?

i am impatient so when i feel pain, i do everything in my power to manipulate and speed up the process, learn what i need to learn. i want the easy way out.

but what if the things i am longing for- the aspect and desire i want that i think will turn my life around, that “once i get there” place, or “if i only had”

really won’t fulfill me?

will i trust that Jesus is enough? will i trust that He provides for me everything that I need, even if its not what I think I need?

just as nature dies and lives and dies again, so are the seasons of my life.

can i be still, in the death? will i show up for it and walk with the pain,

knowing the Lord is carrying me. and actually carrying my hurt for me?

will i allow myself to go through the process of becoming

or will i continue to cut it off by seeking the instant gratifications?

the leaves of the trees fall each year and are dead for a glimpse in time. if nature didn’t experience death when its time to experience death is, would spring be as sweet?

to become who we are, we must rid ourselves of everything we are not.

i hear a whisper urging me to press in, to right now. to walk by faith, not by my circumstances or pain or things that have happened to me or things i have gone through. just walk. 

the love of God pierces through and erupts any thing we may be experiencing. our circumstances are irrelevant.

i once heard that ache, is the kindness of the Lord. the yearning reminds me that this is not my home- if my experience on earth was always contentment

i am eager to say i would not desire more. i would be ok, here.

but I’m not. the yearning brings me Home, over and over and over again.

spring is coming soon and i long for it but,

that doesn’t mean winter is adverse.

even if i don’t experience spring for 50 more years, i will hope and hold on and believe

that winter is kindness, and maybe a long one, but still, only a season.

soon, those white flakes will turn to rain and wash over the earth and

after the rain is over,

that’s when the flowers bloom.

john 16:20
psalm 27:14

 

 

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