there i was, 17 years old, in the prime of my high school years. i laid on my bed as i had many times before, blankly staring at the ceiling.
confusion so deep i wanted to vomit.
is this really how its supposed to be?
my boyfriend and i at the time had just gotten in one of the biggest fights of our relationship. i figured that this was the beginning of the end of us. but not the first ending, or the second.
pretty sure we had broken up 3 or 4 times prior, just to run back to each other after one of us got bored being single.
we were good at it; the dysfunction.
remember the song “Love the Way You Lie” by Eminem and Rihanna?
“just gonna stand there and watch me burn
but that’s alright, because I like the way it hurts
just gonna stand there and hear me cry
but that’s alright, because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie”
i loved this song. i thought it was the epitome of a fervent, fiery, wild relationship.
“high off of love drunk from my hate
it’s like I’m huffing paint and I love it the more that I suffer
I suffocate and right before I’m about to drown
she resuscitates me, she fucking hates me,
and I love it, wait”
woah, how passionate!
ummmm just kidding, thats fucking weird.
but that is just what i wanted, i thought.
what is it about dramatic relationships nowadays?
what is it about chaos, about drama, that some of us seem to be so addicted to?
why do we choose to drown, to suffer in confusion?
we think in order to be passionate about someone, we have to fight and cry and scream and break up and get back together and hate each other on tuesdays and hurt each other and make each other jealous and play stupid mind games and ignore each others texts and never seem too desperate. this has become a normalcy.
I’ve been there. I’ve been in relationships that are straight chaos, and i was fucking miserable. but unfortunately, i loved it at the same time.
looking back; i realize how unhealthy, destructive, immature, and just plain stupid, these type of relationships that i kept allowing are. and i think i realized it then, too. but i was too young and too afraid to be alone to accept it.
have you ever pondered the possibility that dating is supposed to be easy?
think about it.
you meet someone you like. you hang out. you both set your intentions straight. no games. you keep hanging out. you date. if you continue to like one another, you get married, or whatever it is you want. if you do not continue to like one another, you break up and move on. maybe stay friends, maybe not. who knows.
but we can’t do that, because thats boring.
we are apt to not like things that are healthy, easy, and simple. they’re not exciting enough for us.
we love the chase, the turmoil, the thrill because we’re so bored with our own lives. in a way, we need the drama.
we think that in order to be passionate, things have to be complicated.
and to put it bluntly, fuck that.
dating is supposed to be easy.
i have called my mom many times, whining over a boy, asking her what he means when he does ______ or ______ and why he won’t text me back and does he really like me? and should i call him or text him or should i let him come to me or should i do this or that or what will he think if i ask him to hang out, does that seem too clingy?
to put it bluntly again, fuck. that.
my moms response is the same every time:
“emma, when you find the guy you are supposed to be with, it won’t be this hard. you will feel free to be yourself and not even think about that petty shit.”
i’m serious, I’ve learned the hard way: dating is supposed to be easy.
we have got to stop making problems out of nothing.
we have got to learn to view passion differently. or we are setting ourselves up to have shitty dating lives and therefore shitty marriages, which ultimately will lead to more confusion and more pain.
i am not saying that problems are not normal in a relationship, because of course they are going to happen, and of course fights will occur. but, we have got to start choosing the problems, the chaos, that we do engage in. for example, overcoming challenges and solving problems together, such as communication or boundaries, is healthy.
but breaking up every month and obsessing over what he or she is doing and letting ourselves fall into codependent i-cant-live-without-you type of relationships, is not healthy.
stop giving into the lie that to be passionate there needs to be drama; that this is normal.
because it doesn’t. and its not.
a fervent, fiery, and wild relationship should be stable, secure; not like a damn rollercoaster ride through hell every month.
choose your problems. choose what you are going to give your energy to in relationships.
anything other than that and you are setting yourself up for stress, pain, and confusion that’s absolutely, completely avoidable.
so to myself, and to you: don’t settle.
and realize that when you find the right person, dating them will not be hard.