screw You, God.
I sit in the bathtub, water scolding hot, but I like it that way. it makes me feel something. shocks me back to life, even.
where are You?
before I know it, I’ve been in the water for an hour. just sitting. I feel numb. the water turned lukewarm 30 minutes ago.
my feet hit the cold floor and I wrap a towel around my body, walk to the mirror and stare. anger, it chills me to the bone.
here I am, God. where are You?
i thought about getting back into the tub and ending it, right there. life, too much.
where were You when i was a little girl, and i needed a dad? where were You when my mother was hospitalized multiple times for suicide attempts? where are You in the midst of a family so broken, that we don’t speak anymore? in the midst of abuse? of alcoholism? of addiction?
in the midst of intense loneliness, of soul shaking pain, of the overwhelming-cry-til-you-throw-up grief for a life that isn’t? that never will be?
moments lost, there are too many to count.
screw you, God. You’re not here. there’s too much hurt, I can’t believe. I won’t.
so I cry. I slide down the bathroom cabinets, my naked body shaking and I accept that I have nothing to believe in. that all of the pain, the sorrow, the suffering i have endured in my two decades of life is absolutely for nothing.
and me? I am here, yes, but for nothing.
will anything ever make sense, God?!
i wish I could write honestly that God spoke to me as clear as day in this moment – and in many moments like this – that I felt an overwhelming sense of peace, of security.
but that, for me at least, is not the case.
it never has been.
i woke up the next morning and felt the pain again as if it were a fresh wound.
where are You God? screw you!
i wait for the lightning bolt moment – the moment where the supposedly omnipresent Creator intervenes – shows me the plan for my life and brings rest to my mind.
it doesn’t come.
everyone else gets that moment, right? you hear stories of miraculous healings, people hearing the Lord speak to them clear as day, of God giving someone a dream deep in the night – they never doubted again.
i ask for a moment.
and still, it doesn’t come.
people talk about feeling happy, of feeling peace all of the time because they believe in God.
what? I believe in you, God! can I not have happiness, can I not have constant peace, like they do?
this isn’t an story about an inexplicable, astounding time where the supernatural and the natural collide.
this story, my story, is about choosing to believe, to hold on, despite not having a moment, despite not feeling happy or at peace all of the time, like so many others.
screw you, screw you.
i don’t try to sugarcoat how i am feeling. “i hate God,” i told my friend. “i am so fucking angry at Him. screw Him.”
usually, i would be appalled at myself to say such a thing. but i believe that God appreciates the honesty. i believe He says “finally, thanks for being honest, now we can get somewhere,”
and so He sits, patiently. He’s bigger than anger. He’s in the midst of it. He loves, in spite of it.
my friend told me that healing takes time. she told me to allow myself to be angry at God.
she told me a story of once when she was so angry at life, her dad tried to hug her and she shoved him off of her. she couldn’t do it, the rage too intense.
her dad responded, “well, I will love you from over here then.”
i sat there and cried as she told me that is how God is with us.
God can handle my anger. I can scream and cry and throw blow after blow to Him.
I many times in my life, before, wish I had someone to tell me just as my friend did, that it is ok to be angry at God-I don’t have to fake it and put a smile on.
rather, people would ask if i had sinned or read my Bible lately. and maybe that was the reason for my pain.
God doesn’t work that way.
“Screw me, I can handle it. I still love you.”
this is a story about finding God in the mundane.
I choose to hold on anyways.
He’s in the midst of it all.
God is here.
He was there.
and there have only been a handful of times in my life where I have actually felt that to be true. and no, i don’t feel happy all of the time, and i probably never will.
other than that, I must choose to believe what is true. I have to hold on.
God is here.
and healing will come.
one day the suffering will make sense. but for now, I have to hold on.
He’s in the midst of it all.