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screw You, God 

screw You, God.

I sit in the bathtub, water scolding hot, but I like it that way. it makes me feel something. shocks me back to life, even.

where are You?

before I know it, I’ve been in the water for an hour. just sitting. I feel numb. the water turned lukewarm 30 minutes ago.

my feet hit the cold floor and I wrap a towel around my body, walk to the mirror and stare. anger, it chills me to the bone.

here I am, God. where are You?

i thought about getting back into the tub and ending it, right there. life, too much.

where were You when i was a little girl, and i needed a dad? where were You when my mother was hospitalized multiple times for suicide attempts? where are You in the midst of a family so broken, that we don’t speak anymore? in the midst of abuse? of alcoholism? of addiction?

in the midst of intense loneliness, of soul shaking pain, of the overwhelming-cry-til-you-throw-up grief for a life that isn’t? that never will be?

moments lost, there are too many to count.

screw you, God. You’re not here. there’s too much hurt, I can’t believe. I won’t.

I believe that I am, in fact, different. that everyone else, happy. joy for them, is constant. me? just different. life will always be some big, daunting, confusing blur.

so I cry. I slide down the bathroom cabinets, my naked body shaking and I accept that I have nothing to believe in. that all of the pain, the sorrow, the suffering i have endured in my two decades of life is absolutely for nothing. 

and me? I am here, yes, but for nothing. 

will anything ever make sense, God?!

i wish I could write honestly that God spoke to me as clear as day in this moment – and in many moments like this – that I felt an overwhelming sense of peace, of security.

but that, for me at least, is not the case.

it never has been.

i woke up the next morning and felt the pain again as if it were a fresh wound.

where are You God? screw you!

i wait for the lightning bolt moment – the moment where the supposedly omnipresent Creator intervenes – shows me the plan for my life and brings rest to my mind.

it doesn’t come.

everyone else gets that moment, right? you hear stories of miraculous healings, people hearing the Lord speak to them clear as day, of God giving someone a dream deep in the night – they never doubted again.

me, no.

i ask for a moment.

and still, it doesn’t come.

people talk about feeling happy, of feeling peace all of the time because they believe in God.

what? I believe in you, God! can I not have happiness, can I not have constant peace, like they do?

this isn’t an story about an inexplicable, astounding time where the supernatural and the natural collide.

this story, my story, is about choosing to believe, to hold on, despite not having a moment, despite not feeling happy or at peace all of the time, like so many others.

screw you, screw you.

i don’t try to sugarcoat how i am feeling. “i hate God,” i told my friend. “i am so fucking angry at Him. screw Him.”

usually, i would be appalled at myself to say such a thing. but i believe that God appreciates the honesty. i believe He says “finally, thanks for being honest, now we can get somewhere,”

and so He sits, patiently. He’s bigger than anger. He’s in the midst of it. He loves, in spite of it.

my friend told me that healing takes time. she told me to allow myself to be angry at God.

she told me a story of once when she was so angry at life, her dad tried to hug her and she shoved him off of her. she couldn’t do it, the rage too intense.

her dad responded, “well, I will love you from over here then.”

i sat there and cried as she told me that is how God is with us.

God can handle my anger. I can scream and cry and throw blow after blow to Him.

I many times in my life, before, wish I had someone to tell me just as my friend did, that it is ok to be angry at God-I don’t have to fake it and put a smile on.

rather, people would ask if i had sinned or read my Bible lately. and maybe that was the reason for my pain.

God doesn’t work that way.

screw you!

“Screw me, I can handle it. I still love you.”

this is a story about finding God in the mundane.


a lightning bolt moment still has not occurred; I never hear the voice of God as clear as day.

I choose to hold on anyways.

He’s in the midst of it all.

God is here.

He was there.

and there have only been a handful of times in my life where I have actually felt that to be true. and no, i don’t feel happy all of the time, and i probably never will.

other than that, I must choose to believe what is true. I have to hold on.

God is here.

and healing will come.

one day the suffering will make sense. but for now, I have to hold on.

He’s in the midst of it all.


8 thoughts on “screw You, God  Leave a comment

  1. King David expressed frustration, anger, adoration, awe, trust… You name it, all in the Psalms & he was known as a man after God’s own heart. It’s not supposed to be an act but an actual, real relationship with God! My two cents anyway… Love you Em

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  2. Emma, I feel you, I too have felt these feelings, asked these same questions, wondered why? Why am I here, what is the purpose of this life, this pain… what is my purpose. I cannot say I’ve received a clear answer, I can only tell you to hold on. Over time you will see glimpses of the why and realize your path has a reason. You are but a vessel to serve a purpose maybe for yourself, maybe for others. Keep writing, I promise you somewhere you are touch others and helping them to make sense of their life, their pain and find a purpose, a path or just believe they are not alone. Your writing is beautiful, honest and brave. Blessings to you Emma💕

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  3. When I’m feeling as you felt in this post, I remind myself of 1John 1:1-5 “that which we have seen, which we have heard, which our hands have handled, concerning the Word of Life…”. John didn’t seem to be much of a philosophizer, or maybe he simply gave it up. I tell myself “I have experienced God in the past, I cannot now say that He isn’t real. I can’t say that I haven’t seen what I have in fact seen”. I think that was the path John took. Arguments may not win, but look what we’ve seen and experienced for real. Science may not even agree with it, but I mean, it’s right here! In these times, I focus on all I’ve experienced with God. For me, He doesn’t show up with an audible voice or even the answer to my most pressing prayer. He doesn’t make everything become what I would deem ‘perfect’. I’ve learnt that the gift he gives is Himself. One drop of Him and all those mountains don’t matter. He is substance that is good and complete in itself, not good and complete just because it changes the circumstances. But He eventually makes everything beautiful. He is wholeness. The gift he gives is Himself. I want to encourage you to stay in places where you can hear Him; He is light. He won’t fix your past, but He’ll give you a victory, hope, and an energetic outlook that completely defeats that past. God loves you, He really does make the old new. “The bread of life is the ONE who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world” (John 6:33). The truth about God’s true attributes and thoughts towards us is that life “ThE WoRdS I speak to you are spirit and they are life”. God came to GIVE himself into your situation, to enter your walk, to enter your life

    Also, if you haven’t received the baptism of the Holy Spirit (Acts 2), talk to your pastor about it. It will be a huge upgrade on your life. You will be able to cooperate with the Holy Spirit with more ease and clarity

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  4. Also, if you haven’t received the baptism of the Holy Spirit (Acts 2), talk to your pastor about it. It will be a huge upgrade on your life. You will be able to cooperate with the Holy Spirit with more ease and clarity

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  5. Emma, can I share this to my youth groups Facebook page? I believe this read is how many of them feel but cannot express. Awesome job!!!

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