there are so many people in life i figured would be around forever-people i never second thought. they just were and always would be, a part of my reality.
I’ve been known, and I’ve known. I’ve allowed myself to be seen, and I’ve seen. and its gotten me burned-the rudest of awakenings.
someone i love says that they will be around forever yet leaves: check. close, rooted family breaks up and doesn’t speak anymore: check. friends become distant: check. death happens: check. people change and grow apart: check.
i have come to a point where so many people have walked right out of the door that is my life, that i believe it is easier to not get involved. with anyone. romantic or not, just don’t get involved and you can’t get left and therefore can’t get hurt. period.
i’m at a fork in the road: i can play it super safe and live in my own little bubble, never branching out, and probably never really get hurt. live comfortably by myself. or i can take a chance, have lots of uncertainty, and risk getting spit in the face, but experience the beauty that is deep and raw authentic relationships.
yet i want to protect myself, cause i know whats been in the past, so i immediately shy away from getting too deep with anyone. and the second i do-HUGE mistake, emma! don’t be vulnerable you idiot, they could hurt you!
so much fear. i don’t want to feel the pain again. so i don’t give myself opportunities to do so.
when did anything worth having, though, guarantee happiness? guarantee that everything was going to work out the way we want it to?
does taking risks mean there is a chance to get shit thrown in my face, to get knocked off of my feet and fall right on my ass? if so, no thanks, i tell myself.
on my left shoulder as a reminder to myself in permanent ink: the yin and yang.
good and bad. light and darkness. joy and pain.
both of them, always, intertwined, together as one.
is it worth playing it safe? it can’t be.
is the incomparable joy of truly experiencing a bona fide connection with another, worth the risk of what could happen, worth the pain, if it doesn’t work out?
although timidly, i am learning, yes-always.
nothing worth having ever comes without risk.
you cannot experience good without bad. joy, without first knowing pain. light, without becoming close friends with the dark.
to love and know another and let someone into your world is to take a risk, and to take a risk is to truly experience and live this life, the only one we get.
pain is inevitable: it comes with being alive and it comes with relationships.
and i’m learning to not let the fear of it hinder me from truly living.