i left a program i had committed to for 6 months. i had fundraised and told people that this was what i was going to be doing for this amount of time. i put myself out there, said one thing and ultimately, did the other.
i was embarrassed.
embarrassed for being myself, for making a decision for myself? yeah.
i had to go to all of the people that invested in me and explain to them what happened, and give them each their specific amount of money back. i knew this was going to be awkward-and i knew i would be so concerned with what they must be thinking of me.
and i was.
“how can she be trusted?” “she never follows through with anything.”
i had a hard time looking people in the eye when they asked what happened.
i felt shame. i felt like a fake.
i wanted to hide-figured i would go as long as i could without telling anyone anything.
though in the midst of my noisy brain, i learned things.
i learned that no matter what: God is sovereign and nothing that i can do that will take me out of the will for my life.
i learned that every choice is sacred, yet there are no mistakes. everything that i do-nothing is really a mistake-because everything, if i choose, can and will teach me, will mold me. each choice, at the end of my life, will land me there-that place where i am meant to be. every choice makes me, me.
i learned that it is ok to change my mind. and at the end of the day, at the very least, i took risks. i tried things.
i learned that its ok to be myself.
i have spent 95% of my life doing things that will make me magnificent in the eyes of the world. i want people to look at me and think “wow, i am impressed by her because she does ____ and ____ and looks like ___ and had this amazing experience and goes to these cool places.” i have been running around crazy, missing the point.
the point being, I am magnificent. just me. just emma.
I’ve spent my life as a human doing, not as a human being. oh, how i have driven myself mad! nothing fills me up. nothing makes me good or impressive enough!
i’ve tried to fit myself into specific molds that fit each person’s opinion. always trying to be a woman that whoever i am around at the time will like.
never just being me!
too many hats. too many persons to be.
i’m learning to be me, and maybe, most likely, i will lose people along the way, maybe lose parts of myself that i thought were authentic, along the way.
ill have to make lots of decisions and try new things and cry and change my mind more than once and fail over and over, to get me there.
its risky to be yourself, to be real, authentic. you’ll get rejected, you’ll be misunderstood, you’ll be talked about, you may intimidate people.
it’s easier to be whoever you’re around wants you to be.
i’m choosing to believe that the risk, after all,
is worth it.
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”
“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”