“how are you doing?” this woman i had never met just got done praying over me at a christian gathering. she asked how life was going, how the present season was. me being as vulnerable as normal, told her that right now was hard.
i’m so excited about life and hopeful for my future, I’m moving to hawaii in a month for missions, i am surrounded by lots of loving people, i told her-but right now-right now i feel so lonely. and i have felt so insecure.
so my heart wanders like any lonely, insecure, fleshy heart.
i search, tiredly. i search for a man to fulfill this gaping bloody hole of loneliness and insecurity that i feel.
because a man will save me! once i find the one, i will have no problems and i will always feel good about myself and about life because i have the one. we will explore the entire earth together and he will always tell me i am beautiful and i will never have insecurities again and all will be happiness and joy and i will never feel a bad feeling ever again. we will be like Sandy and Danny at the end of Grease and ride away into the sky and peace out to any problems, any insecurities we had before marriage. it will be freeeeakin magical.
wow, how many times can i trick myself into thinking that once i meet the man i’m going to marry, my problems will cease to exist.
the woman went on to tell me that yes-loneliness is painful and it is a difficult place to be. but such a good, healing place to be as well.
she told me that in the lonely place, God heals. she told me not to waste this time.
she said that i need this time.
i need this time because in the lonely place God teaches and prunes hearts. God is here, in the lonely place. God reveals that only He can satisfy this seemingly unquenchable thirst that keeps my eyes peeled open at night. God reveals that I may feel lonely, but loneliness is not my portion.
i am not alone, ever! no, this is not my reality. God is here! won’t i see that?
nothing else. no other person. no relationship. only God satisfies.
God teaches me that finding a man and going to the altar will absolutely not solve all of my problems.
and you have to experience loneliness to grasp this-that when you feel void of everything else-Jesus quenches thirst. after all, He is really what we are all searching for.
marriage doesn’t save. a husband or wife doesn’t save. Jesus saves.
marriage doesn’t fix wrong things. a husband or wife doesn’t fix wrong things. Jesus fixes wrong things.
and I want to be able to grasp this before i meet the man i am supposed to marry. that i am not one half of a person waiting for another half of a person, and together we will be whole.
no, this is not truth at all. this breeds unhealthy, codependent relationships that i don’t want a part of. that i shouldn’t be a part of.
i am already made whole in Christ. this is my identity. this is my freedom song.
we need this time.
how will we spend it? searching for man, or pursuing the Father? this One who is already, always, pursuing us?
oh, how we need this time.
won’t our eyes awaken to this truth that everything we need, God has already given us.
everything we need, is inside of us.
marriage doesn’t fix.