i had a chaotic childhood. my house wasn’t healthy. there was rage, drunkenness, yelling, physical fights. this was often. this became almost normal for me to be in the midst of.
i felt absolutely invisible.
not seen, not heard, not nurtured, not cherished. and it hurt-it still hurts. although I love my family so much and a lot of our relationships have been redeemed, i still sometimes feel like there is this huge gaping hole in the middle of my heart that grieves for what was lost throughout my time as a child. mostly i grieve for the love that i so desperately needed and desired. i try to fill this void with many things. nothing ever lasts. fleeting.
I went to a Lecrae concert once. it was awkward. people were rapping along with him and jumping up and down and i literally sat there because i couldn’t understand anything he was saying and it was really flipping loud and I’m not a jump around and sing (or rap) at a concert type of person. but as I was uncomfortably sitting trying to listen, he stopped in the middle of one of his songs to pray. Lecrae said something about wounds and scars that has stuck with me ever since.
he said something along the lines of “there are a lot of you in the crowd who have wounds that are open and raw and bloody, but soon those wounds will turn into scars. and scars show that we have been through hard times and have overcome by the power of Jesus. don’t be ashamed of them.”
God spoke to me right then and there through Lecraes words.
“emma,” He said, “you have raw bloody wounds that are so painful, I know. but it is okay. I am redeeming them. soon, they will be scars. I am turning them into scars. and you will help others.”
wounds. we all have them. they hurt and they suck and are messy. and we try to stuff these wounds with gauzes that appear to be the things we need. but they don’t last and sometimes they create even bigger wounds.
Jesus is the only person, the only thing that we need. Jesus heals and restores wounds.
and by His power only we will heal, and our hurts will become scars.
our scars tell our stories.
i’m learning to believe that scars are beautiful.