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singleness

once i fall in love, then i’ll be satisfied, i tell myself over and over again.

once i get a boyfriend.

once i get married.

once someone is in love with me.

then i will believe that i’m worthy of love, of being desired. then i’ll be good. then i’ll be good.

the problem with this, though, is that it could never happen. harsh reality, but reality. i could be single for the rest of my life, look back and realize that i wasted years upon years of precious life, precious time, for something that could have been..never truly being, never relishing and breathing in the present moment..always living in the future that i so intricately planned out for myself.

never in the gift of now that God has graciously given me. i would realize that i didn’t truly trust my Father with my life and that i worshiped romantic relationships, not the One i was made to worship.

i would look back and realize that i actually was a woman seeking man. not a woman seeking the heart of the Father.

i would regret.

i put so much stock in interactions with men, hoping that this will be the time. this will be the guy. i know it, i look nicer today than i did yesterday, this must be it. my time. setting my expectations nicholas sparks type of high, only to be disappointed again, again.

i waste my time ignoring others that surround me to glance around the room, searching, wondering if this will be the day. hours i spend deciding on the perfect outfit-chacos or tevas-which will a christian boy like more today, am i right? wanting so badly for this guy, that guy, to come and talk to me, does he love Jesus? oh, i hope so, and when it doesn’t happen-failure, ugly, unworthy, i tell myself i am.

i miss opportunities that are staring me flat in the face, sweet memories with loved ones, the sound of rain on windows, the rich smell of coffee brewing in my favorite shop because i am so focused on finding the one. 

I dare to think. what if the one that we are all searching for is woven inside of our hearts, who knows us + sees us more so than anyone, more than we can begin to fathom, the one who pierced through our souls with his unrelenting love and imprinted us on His hands?

the sinless, the one who willingly went to the cross to die in sinners place; what if He is the one?

i so often forget that I have all power and authority in Christ Jesus to rebuke attacks from the enemy that say i am lacking because i am single, that says my God must be stingy because i am single. 

the Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. my God is abundant, always. 

gotcha, Satan. you have no place here.

i once heard this: everything that people want in a significant other, our God, our marvelous, almighty God, already is. 

as difficult as it is, Jesus is teaching me to view singleness as a gift. to know that i am here for such a time as this. to learn to cling to him, to run to him, while every other idol is destroyed, chains broken. to stand against the enemy in the almighty, powerful name of JESUS. to know that the love i so desperately desire to my core is already my reality in Him. to dance with my Father in a twirly dress in the open meadow that is life, under the clear blue sky.

we have the invitation to ultimate joy, life to the full- whether single, dating, or married.

run the race, run fast, and if someone comes along who is on the same route, wonderful. still let it be Jesus-our first, our everything, above all things. and if not, still let it be Jesus. and if not, He is still a God of abundance. and if not, He is still good. 

wait- he whispers to us.

don’t miss what i have for you right now anymore, i know what I am doing.

just hold my hand tight and loosen your grip on everything else. submit your plans, your wants, to me, beloved. trust me

“oh, my soul,
wait upon the Lord.
keep your lamp filled with oil.
oh, my soul,
be not deceived!
wait for Him.
don’t be quick to leave.
Lord, today You know what i need to do,
but You can do more in my waiting than in my doing I could do.
so i won’t run anymore.
i’m waiting on You.”

-bethany dillon, ‘to those who wait’

 

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